Ask anyone who knows me personally, this is my answer for almost everything. It's not always the most comforting, but it is the truth. It can be so discouraging when we feel like we're behind all our friends. Seeing engagement after wedding after baby announcement, it's hard not to compare yourself.
It is so easy to get down on yourself when you're single for what may feel like a very lengthy period of time. Before my last relationship, I hadn't been in a relationship in over six years! I was so discouraged. I felt undateable, and that everything I was doing was wrong.
Although life is trial and error, I truly wasn't doing anything that out there. Did I send a few texts after a drink or two? Yes. Did I stick around, waiting around for someone longer than I should have? You bet. But that's how you learn. I learned about myself through these trials and errors.
But, we have have to trust the journey we're on. I have recently found myself single, again. Not something I had really planned, actually, I was blindsided. However, this is the journey I am meant to be on. There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship, not being in a relationship, or being on the fence about a relationship; it's just that at this moment, that is where your journey has led you. Being single does not define you. It doesn't decide how the rest of your life goes.
When I found myself upset and torn after my last relationship, a friend shared something really important with me. It was a random post she had found, that asked if love was a feeling or a choice.
Young people who were asked, said of course it was a feeling. It was a powerful emotion. However, when they asked people who had been married for decades, those individuals share that it was a choice. Love is in no way easy, they wake up every morning and choose to still love all the things about their partner that they found endearing in the beginning of their relationship.
When I read that, I began to cry. I cried because I realized that maybe my relationship was something that he chose not to love anymore. That was a hard pill to swallow. It also made me realize that I should be with someone who does chose to love me. Who chooses to stick out life events no matter how dramatic and disheartening they are. In time, I will find that love.
Not only did this post help me conclude what happened in my relationship, but it made me realize that you have to apply this to yourself as well. I had always thought that if my hair was altered this way or if I lost this much weight or if my legs looked a certain way I would wake up and love myself. I would just feel it. It would be a powerful emotion.
Something else that I realized, was that we choose to love the things we love in our lives. You choose to love your friends, your pets, food, clothes, music, books, all of it. I think yourself should be included. I truly believe that once you realize that, so many more doors will open.
Just because you are single, does not mean that you are hopeless. It doesn't mean you're loveless. It just means that now isn't the time for you to be in a relationship. Now isn't our time. I am in the same boat with you. And that sounds like something your friends in relationships tell you to try and make you feel better, but I promise it's the truth. Unfortunately, so are things like 'it'll happen when it happens' and 'it'll happen when you least expect it' but those phrases don't really provide any comfort. Even if they are the truth.
For awhile, I was really anxious with alone time when my relationship ended. When there wasn't anyone to text or call or check in on. Then I realized, that this is just another part of finding myself again. I know for my personally, there were so many daily things that had changed for me while being in a relationship. Having time to realign yourself; whether it's going from a run, diving into a good book or organizing your living space, helps you learn more about you.
Once you make peace with yourself, I feel like the positives in life will help you realize your value. We always want what we can't have. When I was at my lowest this past month, another friend asked a really important question. He asked, "would you want to be with someone who wants to be with you, or someone that you have to make be with you?" When you read that question, you're obviously thinking, "well, duh! The person who wants to be with me!"
It's so important to remember your worth, your values, and what makes you, you. Once you're completely yourself, the right people will come into your life, I promise.
