Wednesday, December 2, 2020

It's Been One Year Without You

It’s been one whole year without you. 

I think about you all the time. 

It’s really hard to explain to someone what this level of loss feels like. I think the best I can is: sometimes it feels like it happened 20 years ago. Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. And sometimes it feels like it never happened at all and you’re going to call me any moment. It’s a constant feeling of loss. Sometimes I’m numb to it and sometimes it’s all-consuming. 

I still listen to all of your favorite bands. But it’s really hard to listen to our songs we’d scream together in the car on road trips. I know I need to watch the Taylor Swift documentary it's just going to make me sad and miss you though. I still laugh at all the times you hung out with me and my friends. I still look for the Peanuts on TV. I laugh every time I see Crocs. 

I think about our fights and how I wish I never wasted a moment we had together. I think about how much I wish we could’ve gone to the Northwoods one more time together. I wish I never rolled my eyes when you’d make us stop at the 100th barbecue place on a road trip. I wish I always answered your calls. I wish I hugged you a second longer when I saw you last. 

There are so many stories and moments and photos that I can look back on fondly. Voicemails and Facebook posts and tie-dye t-shirts but it's never going to be the same. There's always going to be a hole. I'm always going to cry every year on Father's Day, Memorial Day weekend, your birthday, the day you had your last cancer treatment, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and today. The day we found out one year ago. 

People keep saying you’re with me and that you’re watching over me and I know you are but I hate when that’s their answer. People who don't know this pain always say it and it honestly just feels superficial. When I talk about getting married without you. And having kids and you won’t be here. When something funny happens in my day and I want to laugh with you. When I have a computer question. When a new song I know you'd like comes out. When I have a bad day and you can’t cheer me up. 

There are so many questions I will never get to ask you about your life. I just always thought we had more time. 

There are so many firsts ahead of me in my life that I can’t picture yet but I know how empty I’ll feel without you.

But with all my sadness comes love, too. 

You always wanted me to work at my current company and I know you sent me that job application as a sign. I have mom and our family and the best friends I could ever ask for. You pushed me to start a blog and to write and to be creative, and because of that, I have a strong support system not a lot of people have which has really gotten me through. I'm happy I live by the lakefront because I can see all the birds and ask any of my friends I always see hawks flying over. I know you're with me. I know you're guiding me. I know you're sending signs so I pause and appreciate all that I have. I know I'm so lucky. I promise I do. 

I just really miss you. And there will never be any words or any way to string words together to describe the feeling of missing you. I will always love you and I will always remember the all-encompassing, unconditional love you made me feel every day that we had together.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

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